TL;DR: best article ever

Heidi shared this article, and I expected to skip over a lot of it because it’s quite long, but it’s such an excellent and strange read. I do not, in any way, believe in ghosts, the supernatural, or any other mystical stuff, but I lovelove crazy legends and voodoo from simpler times.

Please read this whole article - Bones, Ghosts, and Paul Koudounaris – but if you can’t, here are the highlights:

One of the more outlandish stories is about a guy who got to be called “pene grande,” which means “big dick.” He was a mummy famed in life for having a big penis. People would go down to the Palermo Catacombs and treat him as the patron saint of big cocks. Finally a newlywed woman came to see him because she was married to a guy who was not well-endowed. She took a cloth and rubbed it on the mummy’s dick, and then rubbed it on her husband’s dick. The next time she had sex with her husband, his penis seemed larger and fuller and she was about to orgasm except that at that moment she looked up and saw it was actually the ghost on top of her. Everyone thought she was crazy, but then it happened again the next time she had sex.

They had to set up an exorcism for this ghost. They had a blacksmith make a tight-fitting sheath made of metal, and once the husband got erect the ghost came out and got caught in the codpiece. They threw holy water at him. That expelled the ghost from the guy’s body. So forever he had a small penis, but he was free of the ghost. As for the ghost, he gained a great following among older ladies, and eventually so many were coming to see him that they had to lock the mummy in a back room, which is where he remains to this day.

There’s a really bizarre story from the 20th century, about a guy who had severe diarrhea and chronic flatulence. He stole a skull and started saying prayers to St. Roch and St. Sebastian, the patron saints of plague and suffering, and also shitting on the skull daily. He had a theory that by crapping on the skull he could switch intestines with the body the skull had been attached to. The ghost kept warning him, quit shitting on my skull. But he kept at it and he succeeded in transferring his intestinal problems to the ghost. The problem was that the ghost had died of testicular cancer, and in return he gave that to the guy. That’s how he died. One of the dangers of necromancy is you don’t really know who’s on the other side or what they’re going to give you in return.

I’ve only been to one ossuary – Les Catacombes de Paris – but I am fascinated with them. This promotional article really worked on me, because I am now lusting after this book.

Apple tart

I made this, only my puff pastry didn’t puff as much as I would have liked. Probably because I barely followed the recipe, and set the oven to, like, whatever. Laziness. It didn’t matter, because it was still delicious.

It’s topped with canned whipped cream and the Torani pumpkin pie syrup. The whole affair took about 30 minutes, largely unattended.

The idea of having a hot apple tart whenever I want one is very, very appealing.

Halloween playlist

As much as I love listening endlessly to Love Will Tear Us Apart, I don’t consider sad or goth music to be acceptable Halloween fare! It’s supposed to be a night of fun and scares. My Halloween playlist is filled with songs about monsters, and songs that remind me of demented carnivals or staying in on a cool Halloween night.

(add Bela Lugosi’s Dead at the end if you must)

OutKast – Dracula’s Wedding

 

Siouxsie and the Banshees – Candyman

 

Skinny Puppy – Worlock

 

Rasputina – Transylvanian Concubine

Rosetta Stone – The Witch

I know how cheesy this song is, and I don’t care

 

The Cure – Lullaby

Does It Offend You, Yeah – Dawn of the Dead

 

Optiganally Yours – Poodleman

Poodles = Halloween

Gnarls Barkley – Boogie Monster

I think this is a fan-made video. It’s pretty weird.

 

Morrissey – Ouija Board, Ouija Board

Okay, maybe there’s a little moping on Halloween

Screamin’ Jay Hawkins – I Put a Spell on You

 

Tiger Lillies – Hell

Happy Halloween!

Lazy pumpkin lentil and kale soup

The vegetable soups from Trader Joe’s are my favorite base for a lazy meal. I prefer to make everything from scratch, but lately life has been too hectic to lovingly bake and puree pumpkins. Sometimes it’s just as satisfying to put soup, meat, veg, and some grains into the slow cooker and have dinner magically waiting for me at the end of the day.

This was this weekend’s lazy dinner:

Ingredients: two containers of pumpkin soup, dried onion, 1 cup lentils, 2 cups low sodium chicken broth (for the lentils), torn kale, leftover meatballs, and a dollop of plain yogurt. For spices, I added Oriental curry powder, Saigon cinnamon, ground ginger, and black pepper. It tasted even better the next day.

 

It’s not pretty, but it was rich, flavorful, and filling.

Halloween weekend movie suggestions

This is my Halloween weekend movie suggestion list. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My current movie interests, broken into categories.

Atmospheric

Carnival of Souls (1962) – An atmospheric movie about a young woman who has a terrible accident, and then finds herself drawn to an abandoned carnival. There’s not a lot of plot, I love the world that the movie creates.

 

Frankenstein (1931) – This movie has some problems (are they in modern-day 1930, or some quaint past? Why is the lead actress so awful?), but it’s so damn good that the problems don’t matter. The sets and lighting are fantastic, and the Creature’s make-up is perfect (and iconic, obviously). I highly recommend the restored blu-ray because it gives clarity to the visuals and sound that make the movie much easier to appreciate.

 

Disturbing

The Innocents (1961) – Two young children get a new governess who thinks their house is haunted. I won’t give too much away, but this is a great psychological drama with an ambiguous sense of evil. The children are very creepy, and Deborah Kerr (as the governess) considers this to be her own finest work. It’s definitely a classic. The Innocents is based on a play that is based on The Turn Of The Screw, by Henry James.

 

Antichrist (2009) – After a couple’s child dies they go to their cabin to fix their marital problems and have gross sex. If you watch this based on my suggestion, I’m sorry for RUINING YOUR LIFE. This was one of the most upsetting movies that I’ve ever finished. It is gory, it is disturbing, and it stayed with me for a few days after I watched it. It’s also very polarizing – you might dismiss it as disgusting trash. It’s by Lars Von Trier, who is obviously a lunatic.

 

Animated

Monster House (2006) – Three kids fight a Monster House and its crazy-old-man owner (voiced by Steve Buscemi, who I love). This movie has a good story with because it’s familiar with a few twists, and I think it gives satisfying and interesting payoff. Little kids might find this scary, but I like how nostalgic it feels. Community creator Dan Harmon wrote the script.

 

The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad (1949) – Classic Disney animation. The Ichabod cartoon is an adaptation of The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. A yellow-bellied colonial Ichabod is tormented a headless horseman. Bonus! You get to watch Mr. Toad afterward to lighten the mood. Poop-poop! (I know, it’s the wrong Mr. Toad, but this one’s my favorite)

 

Scary as fuck

The Entity (1982) – scared the crap out of me. A woman is tormented, emotionally and sexually, by an invisible demon. If the idea of being tormented by something you can’t see is scary, then you’ll understand that I just freaked the fuck out when one of my Halloween decorations was set off for no reason just now. I’m going to die. I’d better finish this list.

 

The Exorcist III (1990) – An investigator thinks that a series of satanic murders is related to a serial killer from 15 years ago. I think the overall plot could use some work, but the scares are good. If you think hospitals and old people can be creepy, then this is a good one to watch.

 

Halloween-themed

Trick ‘r Treat (2007)- this is one of my favorite Halloween night movies. It’s an anthology movie with several different stories that all have a connection. My favorite stories are the beautiful women going to a Halloween party, and the mean kids who play a prank on an outcast girl. It doesn’t have a lot of scares, but it’s fun to watch.

 

Gorier than gory

Dead Alive (1992) – After a lot of plot and set-up, a small town in New Zealand becomes overrun with zombies. If you like long, meandering Peter Jackson movies (like I do) you should just watch this. If you need to de-sensitize yourself to movie gore, this is a good place to start since it is considered one of the goriest movies of all time. How many ways can you kill zombies? Watch this to find out.

 

Foreign-language

The Host (2006) – An ancient-looking monster comes from a river and starts attacking people; one victim’s family seeks revenge. I love monster movies so much - this is a good one from Korea. There’s a lot of comedy and sarcasm, but it can be scary at times, and the monster is great.

I Saw The Devil (2010) – A man seeks revenge against the serial killer who brutally murdered his pregnant fiancée. Korean movies are always the most disturbing, and this one is no different. It is gory, but I feel the gore is effective. Both men become increasingly more desperate to get at each other, and there’s a lot of moral gray area. Bonus: the lead actor is Super Hot.

 

Fun and stupid

The Midnight Hour (1985) – “teenagers” (played by 28-year-olds) accidentally raise the dead, and hijinks ensue on Halloween night. Geordie La Forge (aka Levar Burton) is in this, and there’s a random dance sequence starring Shari Belafonte. It’s a silly made-for-TV movie.

 

My husband’s current favorite

Insidious (2010) – He likes possession movies and psychological horrors; I like Patrick Wilson. A couple’s son falls into a coma, and the family is menaced by demons. The supernatural events get more severe and complex as the movie progresses. I think it’s a pretty good example of the current style of horror movies, but it’s not “torture porn”, which is really popular with the kids these days.

 

My all-time favorites

Them! (1954) – A classic 1950s monster movie – ATOMIC TESTING has gone awry and the whole world is threatened by giant ants. One of the things I like the most about 1950s horror movies is the Save The World feeling that they offer. The ‘70s movies are all about psychopaths and are scary on an individual level - atomic monsters threaten us all. Them! has a brave lady scientist, which is pretty cool for 1954. Fess Parker makes a brief appearance!

The Blob (1958) – Steve McQueen tries to save a small town from a blobby alien lifeform. Steve McQueen is attractive and drives a cool car. I like teenager culture from the ‘50s, and monsters, so naturally I like this movie.

Worth watching if only for the opening song (by Burt Bacharach!) 

 

Be care-ful of the blob (pop!)

A short conversation about Candy Corn M&Ms

Me: These aren’t good. Try one, you’ll hate it.
Husband: [chews thoughtfully, makes a terrible face] Didn't they taste test this shit? Maybe on 8-year-olds. Bleh. BLECH! Tastes like medicine.

Fin.

Jean Philippe Patisserie

Sadly I didn’t eat anything from this café, but I smelled, ogled, and manhandled everything in sight.

Vintage jack-o-lantern chocolate treats

Rows of colorful noms

A tipsy gingerbread haunted house

They had a wide range of really beautiful cakes and chocolates, plus crepes and savory food.

The entrance to the Aria hotel, where the Jean Philippe Patisserie is located, had these enormous Autumn leaves overhead.

 

This chocolate dragon is at the entrance to the Patisserie. It’s made of milk, dark, and white chocolate, and the pearls and blossoms are some kind of sugar magic.

Pumpkin milkshake

Daytime Drinking is something I never do, but I made an exception when I saw a pumpkin pie milkshake on the menu at Holsteins Shakes and Buns.

The other seasonal shakes look good too, but I can’t resist a pumpkin pie shake. Ingredients: pumpkin pie, graham crumble, sapling liquor, cinnamon syrup, and pepitas brittle.

The Sapling Maple Liqueur is 70 proof, but there was no tipsy effect from the alcohol, or a pungent boozy flavor. The milkshake was just delicious. It tasted like really flavorful pumpkin pie blended with ice cream. The graham crumble was more like graham dust. It didn’t require chewing, but added extra texture. The cinnamon swirl was thick with sugar grain, and I loved it.

The pepitas pumpkin brittle was a nice touch – unshelled pumpkin seeds in sweet brittle.

I drank about a fifth of the glass, and totally neglected the extra shake brought in the metal mixing jar. It was so rich.

I still managed to find room for the salt and vinegar flavored popcorn,

 

and my burger. The “Hen House” is topped with bacon and a fried egg. I cannot resist runny egg yolk. Their onion rings are some of the best I’ve ever had – the fried coating actually sticks to the onion, and the batter is flavorful.

I wish I could eat it again right now.

Pumpkin keg

I’ll bet this would be really good for spiced apple cider too!

I don’t like the way she cut the hole for the spigot. She angled it up, and I think it would have been better if she’d considered the base of the pumpkin, and tried to make her cut run parallel. I’ve never made a pumpkin keg, so maybe I’m full of shit. I’d rather be full of apple cider.

Seasonal type greetings to you

Trader Joe’s pumpkin ravioli

The pumpkin-shaped barcode is a funny little touch on the orange packaging.

Each ravioli is yellow on one side, and orange on the other. The cooked pumpkin pillows were tossed in browned butter, sage, a bit of lemon juice, and some reggiano cheese. The filling tastes like pumpkin and honey, as promised. The texture is smoother than pumpkin and more like cheese. I like them, but I’d rather have the butternut squash ravioli. Their butternut squash ravioli are also sweet, but have a brighter and more interesting flavor. 3/5

 

It’s pretty hard to resist two-toned ravioli. They’re so cute and colorful.

(Non-alcoholic) Sparkling pumpkin cider

Fresh & Easy is the greatest grocery story because it is the only one that does not require any human interaction. In addition, they have a really good line of store brands. I like it more than Trader Joe’s.

Here’s their Sparkling pumpkin spiced apple cider.

It smells like pumpkin first and apple second. The carbonation is gentle, like most sparkling juices.

 

It actually tastes like pumpkin and the perfect amount of spices. There’s a bit of kick to it, probably from the ginger. The kick is perfect since the juice is very sweet. I like this, I love the bottle, and I’d buy it again. 4/5