Knott’s Scary Farm 2013 was one of the better years in memory, and my annual pilgrimage to Buena Park continues to be my favorite Fall tradition. I can understand how some people prefer the glitz and polish of Universal Horror Nights over the home-style feel of Knott’s, but the overabundance of teenagers, and that year when someone put a (fake but genuinely terrifying) gun in my face has turned me off returning to Universal any time soon.
I ate four desserts! It was a good day.
One of my favorite traditions of Knott’s is the pre-haunt “Boo-fet”. The spread is not necessarily the best, but it is consistently decent and it’s always fun to get harassed by a monster about the proper way to eat fried chicken. The best part part of the Boo-fet is the early entry to the park. This year rope drop for the pre-scare people was about 20 minutes early, and since the CBS news crew was there, the monsters were especially aggressive about scaring the newcomers.
I made some friends (that’s me in the middle)
One of the first things I did without thinking was run to the log ride. The log ride is NOT spooky this year. That’s what I get for not reading spoilers! It was just the classic log ride, but they introduced new animatronic figures since I last rode it (15 years ago?!) so it was fun to ride it again with fresh eyes.
WARNING: Mild spoilers of all the mazes and the Elvira show below
Since I went on opening night, I wanted to see Elvira’s very first show. It wasn’t busy at all so we queued up about 30 minutes before and got the seats we wanted. When Elvira first came out, she seemed unsure and nervous which I thought was adorable. She may be beautiful and unnaturally youthful, but she is still a human with nerves like the rest of us. A few minutes of love and shouts of MARRY ME, ELVIRA warmed her up, and then she relaxed and became the sexy, wiggly Elvira I’ve seen on TV. The show had a few dance numbers, a little bit of classic Elvira shtick, and an entertaining movie montage. Despite 20 years of near-perfect attendance at the Haunts I have never sat through an Elvira show. I have no way to compare it to years past, but it seemed like classic Elvira to me – bawdy, campy, and sexy. I thought the monster dancers were really good, and I would very much like Elvira’s red sparkly dress.
She’s up all night to get spooky
In order of favorite to least-favorite, the mazes:
Forevermore
I like anything Edgar Allen Poe, so I was really excited for this, even though it replaced my beloved Terror of London. Each room used an EAP story as a theme for murder, but the Pit and the Pendulum stood out to me the most. The dark, Victorian setting of this maze was very similar to Terror of London, so if you were sad to see it go too, I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.
Pinocchio: Unstrung
I loved this maze last year, and I love it this year too. They took the familiar Pinocchio story and made it dark, creepy, and bloody. There were weird puppets everywhere and pretty marionette girls, but my favorite was the effect of being swallowed by the whale.
The Houdini theater
Black Magic
A Houdini-themed maze with a really nice exterior. I am SO GLAD that the clown maze is gone from this spot. The exterior of this maze was really great, and an example of Knott’s improving every year. I thought this maze was beautiful, and I loved the water tank effect. I really wanted to stop to watch a card trick, but I felt like I had to get out of the way of the people behind me even though it was pretty dead. Each maze now ends with a special effect or a big mechanical monster and Black Magic follows suit. (card trick jokes. HAHa..ha…ha…hrm)
A jack-o-lantern hung from a tree in the Trick or Treat queue
Trick or Treat
I got to ring the witch’s doorbell and then the house walkthrough began. As an aside: I LOVE THE WITCH. It’s always a sassy dude in drag, and whoever that person is, please sign up for RuPaul’s Drag Race so I can watch you throw shade. The roaming witch was so bitchy and I loved it. I absolutely loved the witch’s house, as well as her bad attitude. Please, witch, let me live in your spooky library, mask-covered hallway, and bloody dining room. This maze was Halloween night themed, so it easily passed as one of my favorites. Some scenes were more about setting the mood, and others were about being gross and scary. I liked that balance. In the last room, you will meet the witch, and she will try to kill you.
Uncle Willy’s BBQ Slaughterhouse
I don’t know why, but I always like this maze. I like restaurants that are hokey and serve ribs, and evidently that extends to haunts. When we walked into this maze, we were treated like patrons in a restaurant – greeted, seated, and … eated? No. But someone did say I’d made a good meal. I’ll bet I would! I was seasoned with Mrs. Knott’s Chicken dinner and four desserts! The Uncle Willy’s maze was gross – there was meat everywhere and body parts all around. I liked it. It was silly fun.
Delirium
What is even happening in this maze? It’s like having a glamourized mental illness and I liked it. There were disgusting bugs everywhere, and there was a creepy, constant whisper that made me feel like I was losing my mind. It was a crazy maze where anything and everything gross was included to add to the madness. It worked for me, and I thought it was one of the more enjoyable mazes.
Dominion of the Damned
In years past, I loved the vampire maze because the vampire gardens and homes were always so pretty. Someone please make the magazine Vampire Homes and Gardens and I will be your first subscriber. The vampires were wearing smoking jackets for some reason? I guess they like to relax at home. The lady vampires were really pretty (fact: I have a girl crush on all the girl monsters because they are pretty). Overall, this maze didn’t work for me. All the scare actors did a good job of acting creepy, and everything looked nice, but it still wasn’t that special to me.
Gunslinger’s Grave
I loved that they used their Old West nostalgia for a maze. This one featured a lot of yelling that I didn’t understand. People yelled things at me, often at the same time, and it was confusing. I enjoyed the saloon scene the most, and the trip through the bathhouse. The rest of it was a lot of confusing shouting. I would take a can of pennies being rattled in my face over having nonsense shouted at me.
The Witch’s Keep
This year the Calico Mine right was less haunt and more dark ride. It wasn’t wonderful, but it was a huge improvement over the attempted scares of the years past. The decor could use some work, but they put effort into a backstory for the witch, and it was relaxing to sit and look at things after walking through so many mazes. There are no monsters to fear here – it’s just a ride.
Endgames
I didn’t understand anything about this one. It was loud – LOUD. There were monster-faced people, and CCTV cameras…but why? Ostensibly it’s because of a gladiator showdown at the end of the world, and it’s televised, but I only know that because I read it in the description. The theme was too large. If they simplified this one I think it could be a lot better, but there were just too many things happening and it was SO LOUD AND CONFUSING.
Mirror Mirror
This was supposed to be a mirror maze that you could get lost in. The scare actors are less scary and more creepy, but the real problem was that there wasn’t enough staggering at the entry. We ended up following the people in front of us, so we just walked straight through with no scares or dead ends. The line was slow because of the staggered entry, but it still wasn’t enough. I would skip this one next year.
The scariest ride – the Ghost Rider
The biggest benefit of going on opening night was the light crowd. I usually go on the first Sunday, but this Sunday coincides with the Breaking Bad finale, and nothing is going to deter me from watching it live to find out what happens to Walt, Jesse, and the rest of the ABQ gang. Last night the longest wait was 10 minutes. It was wonderful. My husband is a wiener about roller coasters so I rode the Ghost Rider – TWICE, BY MYSELF. That was scarier than any maze could ever be.
Speaking of being scared, maybe I’m different because I don’t go to mazes in the hopes that I’ll feel like curling into a ball from fright. I like the artistic effort put into the overlays, and I like the world that the overlay creates. If I jump or get startled, that’s a bonus, but I wouldn’t walk out of a maze and say I was disappointed because I didn’t scream.
One thing I don't like about haunts as I get older is the horror trope of the chained woman begging for help. It feels extremely unnatural and wrong to walk past a person begging for help and simply continue on with my life. I don’t like the idea that I could become desensitized to something as real as a stranger in need of compassion. Roll your eyes at me in comments if you must. I know it’s weird to hate a chained or caged person, but not blink an eye at the sight of a human leg in a meat grinder.
Overall I would say that Knott is consistently stepping up their game, though they’re playing board games and Universal is playing PS3. I don't think that people who love Universal will ever prefer Knott’s, but for me the Knott’s Scary Farm haunt is happiness and the familiar feel of it is what gets my Halloween going every year.
